Nadia

- an extract from 'Adriatic Blue' and the winner of the Writer's Billboard Short Fiction Competition March 2010

She just wanted him to hurry up and die.  She was having such terrible thoughts as she lay on her back in bed next to him.  Her night dress was tangled around her too thin body.  She felt trapped by it and trapped by him.  She pulled herself free of the night dress and the blanket brushed against her neck - it had a horrible rough texture.  She hated this life so much.

 "Cough!  Cough!  Cough!"  Marinko's voice rasped all night long.  Even when he was asleep.  Sleep for Nadia was impossible.  She stared at the ceiling.  By the glow of the dying candle she could see the knots in the rough sawn pine.  Marinko had built this house for her just before they were married.  He wasn't a builder and it was crudely fashioned and let in the cold.

Nadia often wondered why she had left her family and come all the way across the world to marry someone she didn't know.  But she knew why and it made her angry.  She wasn't given a choice.  It was an arranged marriage.  What would have happened if she'd tried to say no she wondered?  There was no point in thinking about that now.  It was too late and she should be focusing on the present, however, it was difficult to let go of the thoughts she had constantly about her family back home on the Dalmatian Coast.  She missed them so much.  She didn't love Marinko.  Not when she married him and especially not now.  Perhaps that was why she didn't feel guilty when she hoped he would die.  She had had enough.  Sometimes she thought it was only her imagination that kept her alive.  There had been times last year when she just couldn't manage the children and her sick husband as well.  It was then that she had thought about just walking into the river and drowning herself.

Marinko turned over.  Nadia could feel his leg clammy against her.  She moved away.  She knew his side of the bed would be soaked in sweat.  A grey sheen of it coated his face and his black hair was slick with it.  She sighed.  How would she dry the sheets?  It had been raining for the last week and it would probably still be raining tomorrow.  It was so cold and damp here and always seemed to be wet.

The pale glow of dawn illuminated the room.  It would soon be morning.  Nadia had slept intermittently.  Her head ached and her eyes were gritty and she knew she was going to be sick.

 As she returned from the lavatory outside Marinko was sitting dressed on the side of the bed, coughing.  He just couldn't seem to stop.  When the bout finally subsided it left him weak and shaking.  His illness was definitely becoming worse now.  His eyes were red and sunken.  Nadia had given up asking him if he was alright.  It was pointless and she did not seem to be able to think of anything else to say.  She felt mean but somehow her voice just dried up when she went to speak.  She'd open her mouth and nothing would come out.

Nadia was cutting some bread when her husband came to sit dejectedly at the kitchen table pushing his greasy lifeless hair off his face.

"I can't cope with the children today, Nadia.  You'll have to keep them all with you." His voice was dull and listless.  "You can take Nick and David with you, can't you?" Her reply had an edge to it.  She was irritated.  Four children under her feet all day was such a trial especially when she felt like she did.  Nadia was sure now that she was pregnant again.  She had been sick every morning for the last two weeks.  Her husband hadn't noticed and she had no intention of telling him.  He would know it couldn't possibly be his child.

"No.  Not today.  Keep them here.  I don't want them with me today."  He was insistent.  His voice was gruff.   Nadia didn't answer him but glared at him angrily instead unable to stop herself. "I'll be off now." Marinko stood slowly up from the table slightly unsteady on his feet.

"You haven't finished your breakfast," she replied quietly.  She was feeling angry with herself for glaring at him earlier.   "I'm not hungry and don't worry about my lunch either.  It's too far for you to come to the bottom paddock with the children and I know how busy you are here."  Marinko was thinking she would probably do the washing after she had baked bread.  The sun was shining and it promised to be a fine day.  He knew she had plenty to do and he did not want to add to her list.

"I'll get your coat for you." Nadia said as she began striding towards the hook on the back of the door, eager for his departure.  She fought with the buttons in the buttonholes as she tried to do up his coat.  Her fingers were shaking.  The coat hung on him.  It was at least a size too big now.

Marinko's fleshless fingers were icy cold as he clasped Nadia's hands and pulled her too him in a rare show of affection. 

"Thank you." He said quietly his voice no more than a whisper.  The intensity of Marinko's eyes burnt into Nadia's soul.  She couldn't take her gaze from her husband's back as he walked out the door with a slow weary tread.  Nadia shivered as she moved towards the sink.  The pain pouring out of his eyes had enveloped her and she moved slowly, drugged.  She couldn't shake it off.

Nadia's day had been better than she had expected.  It has taken her most of the morning to do all the washing but the rain had stayed away and she had been able to dry it outside in the sun.

The bigger children had seemed to sense that she wasn't feeling well and thankfully they had not been fighting as they usually did.  Nick and David were too close together in age and were always in competition with each other.

 Moko and his sister Huia come to visit just as Nadia is getting the washing in.  They live with their family on the neighbouring farm.  Huia is pregnant but she isn't married.  Her stomach is huge.  The baby must be due any day now.  Huia's condition has caused a bit of a scandal in the district.  Everyone knows who the father of her baby is but no one talks about it.  He is a European and is already married.  Huia's baby will be bought up in her extended Maori family.  It isn't an issue for them.  It is the Europeans who sit in judgement on her.  Nadia doesn't care what people say about Huia or her family.  They have been good to her.  She counts them as friends and she doesn't have many of those in this strange country.  It is an isolated existence here which is made even worse by her husband who is suffering from Consumption or Tuberculosis as they call it here in New Zealand.

 "How's that husband of yours?  Is he any better?" Huia asks Nadia.  She has a funny squeaky voice.  It often sounds as if she was going to start laughing but it is just her laid back way of talking.  Nothing seems to worry her. Sometimes Nadia wishes she could be like that.  Lately she had begun worrying about what will happen to her and the children when Marinko goes.  How will they survive? What will they live on?

"No. I think he is worse.  He coughs all the time now and he has lost a lot of weight.  It's a big  effort for him now to work.  He is not so strong anymore."  Nadia shrugs.  She knows that people with this illness don't get better.

"You know my uncle; he had the same thing wrong with him.  It was not good for him."  Huia's words sound serious for once but all of a sudden they dry up and she looks away unwilling to meet Nadia's troubled eyes.

"What time's that husband of yours coming home then, eh?"  Her sing song tone is back as she tries to be brighter.  Her friend Nadia has a difficult life with a sick husband and four small kids.

 "I don't know, but he's been gone since early this morning.  He has been working down at the  bottom paddock for days now.  By the creek.  You know where I mean?"

"Hey Moko.  Why don't you shift that arse of yours and go and get Marinko?  He's down at the  bottom paddock.  He's one sick fulla.  I think you should help him.  Go on now.  I'll wait here till  you fulla's get back."

Moko stops singing.  He has bought along his guitar and has been humming to the children. They all love him and sit as close to him as they possibly can.  He is so happy go lucky - always laughing - like a big kid.

 Nadia looks across at Moko.  Beneath his clothes she knows about his brown skin - smooth and hairless and his well muscled body.  She looks away quickly.  She doesn't want him to catch her looking at him.  She has tried to banish from her mind the sight of him - all of him.  However, when Moko is as close to her as he is now she cannot stop her mental pictures.  It happened a couple of months ago.  It was the day that Marinko had gone into Dargaville - to get supplies in the horse and cart.  He had taken the two older children with him and the younger ones were asleep...

 Moko leaves and begins walking at a fast pace.  It will be dark in a couple of hours.

Nadia and Huia go inside.  It's time to feed the children.

"You don't look so good sis." Huia has reverted back to her serious tone.

"Moko thinks you might be pregnant?"  Startled, Nadia drops the tin cup she is holding into the sink. It makes a loud crash in the ensuing silence.

"Now what makes him think that?"  Nadia attempts a laugh but it comes out sounding strange. Their eyes meet and there is quiet.  Nadia knows that Huia knows.  It is in her eyes.

"I  haven't told Marinko.  It's just another problem he doesn't need.  Please, if you could keep quiet." She doesn't want to say any more.  Again a look passes between the two of them.

The children have been fed and are in bed.  Nadia and Huia are clearing up in the kitchen. Darkness is beginning to fall as Nadia hears Moko's voice calling.  It is quietly persistent.  Both she and Huia rush outside at the same time.

Moko is leading Marinko's horse.  Marinko is lying prone across the saddle.  As they walk towards the horse and Moko, Nadia can see that Marinko's clothes are soaking wet.  As Moko tethers the horse to the hitching rail he breaks the silence.     

"I found him in the creek.  He must have tripped and fallen.  I think he was too weak to get out.  It  was too late when I found him."  Huia begins to wail and Moko puts his arms around Nadia.  She stiffens as a jumble of feelings rise up in her.  This morning she'd wanted him dead.  Was God punishing her for her bad thoughts?  Her rough fingers search out the crucifix which hangs around her neck.  Did he fall in the creek or had he intentionally drowned himself.  Her eyes are dry as she stares at the horse and its sad dripping burden.

"Come on.  You two go inside.  Get some tea.  I'll be there in a minute."  Moko's voice is diminished.  This is the first time Nadia has seen him so long faced.  As Nadia and Huia trudge wearily towards the door of the house Moko proceeds to untie Marinko's body from his horse.  He will carry Marinko into the barn for the night.

Huia goes to boil some water as Nadia sits down at the table.  The coldness of the seat seeps into her body as the enormity of what has happened hits her.  She begins to shake and silent tears run from her eyes.

"He was a good man and I wished him bad things."  She looks up at Moko as he walks into the kitchen.  Guilt is beginning to eat at her. 

"It's my fault!  God is punishing me.  What will happen to me now?"  Moko pulls her to her feet and buries her in his strong brown arms.

"No!  No!"  He says soothing her.  "It's not your fault.  You must not think like that.  He was sick. Very sick."  He strokes her hair.  He loves her beautiful shiny long brown hair.  Moko looks across at his sister over the top of Nadia's head.  Huia nods at him.

As he draws Nadia even closer to him he says in a soulful voice,

"Me and my whanau will see you right.  You, the little ones, and this baby too."  His hand is resting on Nadia's stomach.  "Ka to he ra, ka rere he ra."  A sun sets, a day is born.


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